I have two sons, ages 12 and 8.
If someone had told me that I would have two kids 13 years ago, I would've laughed hysterically. I only planned on having one, but hell; if someone woulda told me that I would've had a child at all, 16 years ago, that would have been just as hillarious.
If you're a mom, you may know about that yearning you get, when you don't have any children at all. It comes around the time when you start to feel more independent of your family, and ready to be a woman, all on your own. When I hit age 23, I really, really wanted to be a mom. It was so bad, I refused to write until I got pregnant.
I'm not wild about my son's father. Okay, I almost hate him, but that's only because of the things he put me through. When he thought I was pregnant, he gave me a mini-beatdown, and said, "now you have to have an abortion". I call it a mini-beatdown, in lieu of the police report I read, concerning Rihanna and Chris, which makes what he did to me, look like a pillow fight. Nonetheless, I ended up back with him, just like most women who bring themselves to forgive abusive men. My dad abused my mom, and I guess that affected me, since she was carrying me during much of the abuse. My mom left my dad a year later, when she got up the courage and the money to leave. I had no excuse for taking this guy back, except for stupidity and love, but like Oprah said the other day, "Love doesn't hurt."
I took him back and ended up pregnant for real, and this time I went to Ohio to have my boy, so I could be with family. He threatened to take him from me, claiming to suddenly care, he and his sisters, but i wasn't havin' it. That yearning wasn't lyin'; I wanted my boy more than anything.
So now I have two sons--not for the same guy, thank God. In my fantasy world, I wanted to have both children for the same man, but there was no way I was going to become pregnant again by this dude. Even though I took him back into my bedroom after I returned to New York, over and over, settling for less and less. No child support, no commitment, no real love. I don't know why I loved himfor so long; I think it was having his son, that did it. This boy asked for his "daddy" before he could barely speak, before I taught him that word, or what a daddy even was; I was amazed. Children instinctively know they have fathers, they know that we did not make them alone. I didn't want to keep him from his "bio", so I fought tooth and nail, for him to care enough to spend time with him. It wass like pulling teeth a lot, then over time, he started acting like he wanted my son to live with him and his new wife and kids. Asking for him to visit in Pennsylvania where he lives, is a major no-no, so he decided to call ACS, and call me an unfit mother. He did this twice. Both times, the case was unfounded, and closed. To this day, I hate this dude, and my son, understanding how ACS could have ripped his life apart, isn't wild about his "bio" either.
I have another son, by my husband. He and I are having a bad marriage, but we're a great family. Aside from the occasional loud arguements, I believe in the family unit. The arguements make me feel like we're hurting the boys, like we should live in seperate house holds, but for now, we're trying to make it in the same home and I'm looking at divorce appers. I wonder all the time, if we can live seperate lives in the same apartment.
